The Angels Stole My Fanfic
by PreTitlesSequence
Summary: In which I lovingly poke fun at series seven, part one for your amusement. Geek references galore! Daleks called Gary! Explosions! High-octane running down corridors! Arthur Weasley! Lestrade! It's all inside! In 3D!
1. Asylum of the Daleks Part One

**A/N Hello, and welcome to Chapter One of The Angels Stole My Fanfic!**

**So, you're probably thinking two things right now. First: 'Why am I writing this weeks after episode 5 went out?' and second: 'Er... I'm not really sure what this is.' I was planning to write something about **_**Doctor Who**_** as it aired, but due to a load of schoolwork, it never really came to be - and I've wanted to do this particular fic for a long time anyway.**

**And second: well, you might be thinking that this looks a tad familiar. And it is, sort of. This is an adaptation of the awesome Queenoftheoutlands' Amusing Reviews - thanks for the permission on that one - where she went through an episode of a certain series, parodying/praising it. And this'll be the same, only with episodes of part one of series seven of **_**Doctor Who**_** and plenty more gratuitous geek references. ****Also, I'll be splitting the episodes into two, for a slightly easier read.**

**THE ANGELS STOLE MY FANFIC - ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS: PART 1**

My first thought when the title leaked was '_Doctor Who _meets Batman?', by the way. I was playing too much _Arkham City_.

**I. Portentous voice-over 101.**

**VOICE-OVER OF EXTREME PORTENT **- First, there were the Daleks.

**EVERYONE ELSE **Skaro?!

**VOICE-OVER** And then there was a man who fought them. And in time, he -

**EVERYONE ELSE **What the bloody hell is going on?

**VOICE-OVER **- died.

**EVERYONE ELSE **I think we know something you don't...

That is one impressive Dalek statue. Makes you wonder how the Daleks built it. Actually, come to think of it, what would a Dalek construction site look like, anyway? Daleks in hard hats drinking tea?

**II. Inside the statue of doom**

**NOT!EVIL WOMAN **Why hello there, Doctor.

**THE DOCTOR ***walks awesomely through the fire* So why did you bring me here anyway? I was having a great time, hanging around the TARDIS, moping.]

**NOT!EVIL WOMAN **Er... sounds like a great time. Anyway, I can't really remember why I brought you here...

**THE DOCTOR **Oh crap

**TOTALLY EVIL WOMAN** Dalek hand-gun!

**THE DOCTOR **This is not a good day.

**DALEKS **One nil to the Daleks!

**III. From an alien planet to a modelling shoot. Only in Doctor Who**

Anyway, what's Amy trying to model here? Black eye shadow (Morgana would be proud)? Finger tattoos? Hair dryers? (I'm going for the latter, to be honest).

**ANNOYING PA **Amy? Your husband's here. I'm really, really happy about this, by the way. Not sure why.

**AMY **I don't have a husband.

Sorry, what?

**RORY **You have to sign these papers. Then I'm off to die again.

**AMY **Signed. Now go away, I have some very, very serious work to do.

Sorry, am I missing something?

**CREEPY!HAIRDRESSER **Hello Amy. I'm so not evil.

**AMY **Who the scarf are you?

**CREEPY!HAIRDRESSER** Your worst nightmare. Dalek gun time!

**AMY **Well, poop.

**IV. Meanwhile, on London's only empty bus...**

**RORY **I'm sorry, why is this bus empty?

**NOT!EVIL BUS DRIVER** Because plot. Anyway, might as well get it over with.

**RORY** Get what over with?

**NOT!EVIL BUS DRIVER **This. Dalek hand gun!

And that's approximately Rory's twenty-sixth death, not including that one where he turned into Old Merlin and went all psycho on Amy.

**V. Gosh, there's a lot of scenes in this... ahem, pre-titles sequence.**

**RORY **So, much trouble are we in?

**DOCTOR **Out of ten? Eleven.

**RORY **That doesn't even make any sense.

**DOCTOR **You don't make any sense. Anyway, meet my new Dalek buddies. This is Gary, and this is Phil.

**GARY THE DALEK **WOULD - YOU - CARE - FOR - SOME - HOB - NOBS?

**AMY **I'm not sure if this is the right script.

**VI. Where the magic happens**

**DOCTOR **Ooh, the Parliament of the Daleks. Always wanted to go here.

**AMY** So, why are we here anyway?

**DOCTOR **Ask the Daleks. They'll know something.

**AMY **Daleks, why are we here?

**DALEKS **SAVE THE DALEKS! SAVE THE DALEKS! YOU DON'T HAVE A BLOODY CHOICE! SAVE US OR DIE!

**DOCTOR** Wait, what?

**Opening titles, how nice of you to show up. You're a bit late. **

**VII. Prepare for a shock**

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Hi everyone! Tricked you good and proper, didn't I? You thought I wasn't coming along until Christmas, but here I am, making souffles and listening to Carmen while the Daleks pound on my front door.

**THE FANDOM ***shakes fists* MOFFAT!

**DOCTOR **I'm really not sure what's going on here. Look, a jellyfish in a jar!

**PRIME MINISTER **I am not a jellyfish. Anyway, pleasure to meet you. My name's Boris. We want you to go down into our asylum, and blow the crap out of it, k?

**DOCTOR **Fine. As long as you let us out alive.

**BORIS THE PRIME MINISTER **No promises.

**RORY **Just a heads up, I'm feeling really left out.

**SLAVE **Off you go!

**I'm really not sure about that CG vortex...**

**VIII. Welcome to the Asylum**

**DOCTOR **This is a bit nicer than expected. No Daleks anywhere. Apart from that one.

That's because it's really Spain, Doctor.

**HARVEY **Hey.

**DOCTOR **Bugger, he's more clever than I am. That sucks.

**AMY **Where's Rory?

**DOCTOR ***shifty eyes* He may or may not have been beamed down there.

**AMY **This day just gets better and better.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **I'm still here, everyone!

**DOCTOR **Jenna-Louise Coleman! You're a bit early.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **I know, I felt like turning up now. Wait, didn't you hear me earlier?

**DOCTOR **I was too busy talking to Boris.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **To who?!

**HARVEY **Oh, um... want to see my spaceship?

**IX. This was not a good idea**

**DOCTOR **Where's your crew?

**HARVEY **They're uh... right here.

**THE CREW ***are dead*

**HARVEY **But... I was just there with them...

**THE CREW ***are also living skeletons*

**DOCTOR** Oh dear. Not again.

**HARVEY **Also, in case you hadn't figured it out, I'm a Dalek really.

**AMY **Doctor?

**DOCTOR **Yes?

**AMY **I've really missed this. Also, the skeletons took my bracelet, so I'm probably going to turn into a Dalek soon-ish. Just a heads up.

**X. Meanwhile, inside the Asylum...**

**RORY **Ouch. Where the fish am I?

**MAD DALEK **Eggs.

**RORY **Sorry, what?

**MAD DALEK **EGGS!

**RORY **I'm feeling just a little bit worried here.

**DALEK **EGGS!

**RORY **Jeez, alright, I'll get your eggs.

**MAD DALEK **TER!

**RORY **I'm beginning to regret going on that bus

**MAD DALEK** MI!

**MAD DALEK **NATE!

**RORY **Crap.

**DALEKS **EXTERMINATE RORY! WE MUST KILL HIM! AGAIN!

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Hello Rory.

**RORY **Oh no, it's her again.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Touchy. It's almost like you know that I'm going to replace you after something horrible and traumatizing happens to you and Amy.

**TO! BE! CONTINUED!**

**If you enjoyed this, please review! Constructive criticism is more than welcome, but, y'know, be nice. Part two of Asylum of the Daleks, will be up next week.**


	2. Asylum of the Daleks Part Two

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter two of The Angels Stole My Fanfic!**

**First, thanks a lot for the reviews/alerts that I got last chapter - they're really appreciated, and keeps me motivated to write more chapters. It's a dog-eat-dog-eat other dog (and so on) world on FF, so to get five reviews is really quite nice. You'll all get thanked at the end!**

**Couple of notes: the scene numbering that started last chapter continues with this one (being a two-part parody of the same episode), so it will start with Scene XI, rather than Scene I. Also, I've merged some smaller scenes together - like Rory's escape from the Daleks, which is merged into one for your convenience.**

**THE ANGELS STOLE MY FANFIC - ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS: PART TWO**

* * *

**XI - Meanwhile, in the spaceship**

**AMY - **So, I'm basically screwed, right?

**DOCTOR **No. Not really. A bit. Quite a lot. Yes, Amy, you're completely screwed. On the bright side, this is quite exciting.

**AMY **You have a very strange definition of exciting.

**DOCTOR **I know, right?

**AMY **Doctor...

**DOCTOR **Yes?

**AMY **You've got the wrong script again.

**DOCTOR **Oh, sorry. Amy...

**AMY **Ooh, look, a ballerina!

**XII - And a new ship was born**

**RORY **So... sorry, what was your name again? Oslo?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **It's Clara.

**RORY **I don't remember you saying that...

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Oh, yeah... spoilers. Um... yeah, I think it was Oslo.

**RORY **You can't even remember your name?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Let's change the subject. Take your shirt off now!

**RORY **Wait, what? Why?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Because reasons.

**RORY **I don't really like you.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **I _like _you, Rory.

**RORY **Would you stop flirting?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Nope.

**XIII - Dalek parking**

**DOCTOR **Oh crap

**AMY **What is it now?

**DALEK **OI - YOU! STOP - RIGHT - THERE! YOU'RE - NICKED!

**DOCTOR **Well, great. We're stuck in a Dalek Asylum, being attacked by a Dalek that has a cockney accent for some reason. Could things get any worse?

**DALEK **SELF - DESTRUCT - INITIATED!

**DOCTOR **Wait, do Daleks have a reverse?

**DALEK **OF - COURSE. WE - USE - IT - FOR - PARKING.

**DOCTOR **Thanks for that. Whee!

**DALEK **I'M - GOING - BACKWARDS - VERY - FAST. I - GIVE - UP.

**OTHER DALEKS **WHAT - THE - HELL?

And then there's an explosion, because it wouldn't be Doctor Who without explosions.

**XIV - Guess who?**

**RORY **Who killed all the Daleks?

**DOCTOR **It was me! I know, I'm awesome, get over it.

**RORY **Doctor... I think Amy's dying.

**DOCTOR **Well, that's the icing on the cake.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Not to be attention-seeking or anything, but look at me! I'm actually pretty goddamn intelligent.

**DOCTOR **Seriously, what's with the clever people today?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **You don't like it when you're not the smartest in the room, do you?

**DOCTOR **I'm going to ignore you now.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN** Good luck with that

**DOCTOR **Okay, we're going to get off this planet right now. Everything will be fine -

**AND A BRIEF NEWSFLASH FROM THE WRITER. **Was I the only person who thought that we were done for the episode right now?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **FREE ME!

**DOCTOR **What if I refuse?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Then the episode under-runs

**DOCTOR **Alright, hang on!

**XV - Spaceenders**

**AMY **In case you haven't forgotten, Rory, I still hate you very much.

**RORY **Remember, they're getting rid of love.

**AMY **Not talking to you.

**RORY **Here, have my handy bracelet.

**AMY **Wait, why are you giving me this.

**RORY **Because you think I'm a bit crap, and I love you, so there

**AMY **I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!

**RORY **Woah, where did that come from?

**AMY **You want kids, and I can't have kids, so therefore I hate you.

**RORY **Makes sense.

**XVI - Now that's what I call an asylum**

**DOCTOR **Oh great, the Medical Bay.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Best part of the asylum. They charge tons to go here.

**DOCTOR **They do tours here?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Yup.

**DOCTOR **I don't even know... Wait, do I know you?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Sorry?

**DOCTOR **This Dalek, not you. It's oddly familiar. Oh... bugger.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **What the fish is going on?

**DOCTOR **These are the buggers that ran away from me when I was busy saving the world.

**DALEK **HEL-LO.

**DOCTOR **Not again.

**DALEK **IT'S - YOU. YOU - KILLED - MY - SISTER.

**DOCTOR **It was an accident, I promise!

**DALEK **EGGS - TER - MIN - ATE!

**DOCTOR **Hang on... why can't you just shoot me?

**DALEK **OUR - GUNS - ARE - SECOND - HAND.

**DOCTOR **Jenna! Get this door open now!

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Call me Oswin, and I'll let you in.

**DOCTOR **CLARA!

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Oh for God's sake.

**DOCTOR **Fine. OSWIN, GET THIS BLOODY DOOR OPEN NOW!

**DALEK **WAIT. WHAT - WERE - WE - DOING - THEN?

**DALEK 2 **I CANNOT - REMEMBER.

**XVII - I am not a Dalek, I'm a Dalek**

**DOCTOR **So, Jenna, nice to finally meet - wait, where are you?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Have you lost the use of your eyes? I'm right in front of you.

**DOCTOR **But there's a Dalek in front of me.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Wait, what?

**DOCTOR **Eggs...

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN** Not you as well

**DOCTOR **Soufflés...

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Are you alright?

**DOCTOR **Look, I'm sorry, Jenna, but you turned up too early, and you've paid the price. You're a Dalek, btw.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **I'm not a Dalek! I'm a Dalek! I'm not a Dalek! I'm a Dalek! Exterminate!

**DOCTOR **Seriously, what's with the guns today?

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **EXTERMINAAAAATE.

**DOCTOR **You really don't want to do this.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **Actually, come to think of it, I can't really be bothered to kill you. Now go, and slow-mo run back to your friends.

**DOCTOR **Cheers. Thanks for wasting my time.

**JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN **No probs. See you at Christmas!

**XVIII - So soapy**

**RORY **Look, it's about time we cleared up this plot-line.

**AMY **I agree. I LOVE YOU, RORY.

**DOCTOR **Slow-mooooooo!

**RORY **You're killing this really emotional moment, Doctor.

**DOCTOR **Stop snogging, we're going to escape. For realsies this time.

**AMY **Thank god for that, I was beginning to talk a bit strangely. Also, I think I might have tried to kill Rory.

**RORY **Thanks.

**AMY **Don't mention it. Doctor, won't the Daleks kill us on sight?

**DOCTOR **They probably will, yes. But you know what they say? You only live thirteen times.

**AMY **I'm not sure that's the right phrase.

**XIX - Who the heck's this guy?**

**DOCTOR **Hey Daleks. How's things?

**BORIS THE PRIME MINISTER **GOOD - THANKS. I - GOT - CAUGHT - ON - A ZIP - WIRE - THOUGH. WAIT - WHO - ARE - YOU?

**DALEK **DOCTOR - WHO?

**DOCTOR **Well done, Captain Obvious, you've said the name of the show.

**DALEK **WHO - THE - HECK - IS - THIS - JOKER?

**DOCTOR **Oh, Jenna. You made them forget me. Thanks a bunch. Now what the heck's the next Dalek story going to be about?

**XX - Happy times**

**DOCTOR **Go and live your rubbish lives. I'm off to watch the Battle of Hastings for the eighth time.

**AMY **We're best friends again, by the way.

**RORY **So it's all fine?

**AMY **Why wouldn't it be?

**RORY **We weren't talking to each other eight hours ago.

**AMY **I'm Scottish, okay? I have mood swings.

**RORY **But...

**AMY **Look, do you want me to kick you out again?

**RORY **No.

**DOCTOR **Doctor Who? Doctor Who? Wait, why am I asking myself this when I already know the answer?

**BONUS NEXT TIME SPOOF**

**DOCTOR **This ship has very precious things in it, by the way.

**SPACE WORKER **And we're going to shoot it down if it comes near Earth. Just a heads-up.

**DOCTOR **Have I mentioned that this ship has _really _precious things in it?

**DOCTOR **Arthur Weasley? How the heck did you get here?

**RORY **Doctor... he's my dad.

**DOCTOR **What, you and Ron are brothers?

**ARTHUR WEASLEY **I'm really confused.

**FILCH **I'm going to kill you ALL.

**QUEEN NEFERTITI **I'm awesome, by the way.

**LESTRADE **And so am I!

**DOCTOR **That's it. I've had it with these motherfricking dinosaurs on this motherfricking spaceship.

* * *

**And that's it for episode one. Once again, please review/favourite/follow - constructive criticism is more than welcome, but be nice about it! I'm going away for the weekend, but part one of Dinosaurs on a Spaceship will be up next Wednesday.**


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